A Hundred Sweet Nothings
by Hindre
Summary: <html><head></head>A collection of oneshots based around Arthur and Alfred. Chapter 2: Love; In which Burgers and Crumpets are a match made in heaven... Supposedly.</html>
1. Introduction

_**1. Introduction**_

It shouldn't be that hard.

Really, this was the kind of thing you learned when you were still very young; something that stuck with you for the rest of your life. It was a vital skill... despite common knowledge and practice, it was still very much a skill. This wasn't something that a college student should be struggling with.

_'Hello. My name is Alfred F. Jones.'_

There! It wasn't as if he was socially backwards or anything like that (Alfred would boast that it was quite the opposite, actually). He knew how to greet people. It wasn't that hard. And he had the simple mechanics down. But... It wasn't simple. He had to get this _right_. This was of the upmost importance, after all.

What if such a greeting was _too basic_? What if the other died from the blandness or worse, what if he scoffed and told Alfred he needed to put more effort into such an introduction? Hell, that was something you found on most name tags. It definitely wouldn't do! Bland and boring was not the Alfred F. Jones style!

_'Good evening, my fine sir. How are you? My name is Alfred F. Jones and I was wondering if that seat was taken.'_

That's a bit too... stuffy. Sure he wanted to impress the other with the greeting but he didn't want to end up looking like a snob. Or from some sort of old black and white movie (_'Who spoke like that?'_). Sure the other had a sophisticated air to him, but Alfred couldn't let it seem as though he were trying too hard to be something he wasn't... Besides, Alfred wasn't even that polite to his mom (not that he wasn't polite to her or anything). He needed a greeting that showed the real Alfred. An introduction that was completely him.  
><em><br>'Hiya, I'm Alfred!'_

Too informal. Not that it definitely wasn't him, because it so was. That was a typical first greeting. But this wasn't a typical person. This was a matter of upmost importance! What would the other say to that?

_'Good for you, now get out of the sodding way. You're blocking my light.'_

It really could end like that! Alfred had witnessed such an event occur just moments after gaining enough heroic confidence to approach the other boy. But apparently someone had the same stroke of confidence and it didn't really seem to help... Or turn out well... He need something _perfect_! Something quirky that showed his boyish charm and awesome wit!  
><em><br>'Hey! Did you know than an Americano expresso gets its name all the back from WWII when American GIs would order expressos with a whole buncha water to dilute the really strong flavor? And then that eventually lead to coffee being called 'Joe'... Because, you know, GIJoes and all. Oh, by the way. I'm Alfred.'_

... Okay. Maybe fun facts are not the route to follow with this one. While his coffee knowledge was superior to most, he didn't want the other guy to think he was some sort of freak. Really, what sort of person goes up to a stranger and starts babbling about coffee. The other blond would surely think he was crazy or something.

_'Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?... Enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm Alfred.'_

Hello cheesiness, thy name is Alfred... Not to mention he totally saw that on a movie commercial. Cheesy was hardly ever a good route to go. Occasionally it would be awesome, but Alfred had a feeling this guy was a man of class and culture (simply because Alfred spent most of his stalki- research on the other in the library. Classy people use the library when they have no assignments, and the other boy practically lived in the library in his free time).

Alfred let out a loud groan. This would not do! This was the absolute love of his life he was talking about here. If he screwed this up he'd have a hell of a time convincing the other that he wasn't a complete idiot... or a lunatic... or a psycho. Then, if things spiraled, they'd never date through the rest of college; and get an apartment; and cuddle and watch silly dramas; and have stupid arguments about little things; and have awesome make up sex when they fought; and grow old together; and other fantastic things, because Alfred was absolutely certain the other was _The One._ So he couldn't screw this up!

...And currently the only things coming to mind were terrible pickup lines that would spew from his mouth whenever he was really drunk and horny! Fuck! He was going to botch this up.

_'If I could arrange the alphabet I'd put-'_

"Alfred Jones?"

Said named man, who was currently debating whether or not to bang his head against the table, jumped almost a mile in his seat as that accent assaulted his ears, ripping him from all previous thoughts and addressing _him specifically_. Turning slowly around, azure blue met clover green and blinked dumbly for a second. _Wha?_

There stood the object of his current fascination; the only subject that could capture Alfred's attention for more than a minute for the past few weeks. The lone person that wouldn't leave his hormonal thoughts for anything; the cause of his currently declining grade in his Lit class and well every class really (but mainly Lit for the other blond was actually in that class with him and alway chose to sit directly in front of Alfred).

_Eyebrows McSnootypants_: that cute foreign student from England currently utilizing his school's study-abroad program in order to be here and terrorize innocent Americans' thoughts with his incredibly sexy accent, huge (yet stunningly appealing) eyebrows, lithe form, those pretty green eyes and an ass that seemed to be sculpted by the gods.

And he was just standing there in front of Alfred like it was nothing; one arm wrapped around a few books and papers, the other fitting snuggly onto his hip, fingers drumming almost expectantly, an ankle crossed with the other that was currently balancing him. He acted like his presence wasn't a big deal. He had to have known! The boy must have owned a mirror at some point in his life. You didn't go around looking that awesome and not know it (Alfred could back this notion up from personal experience).

"Erm... Yeah! Need something?" Alfred gave the other a wide smile, and scratched his neck out of nervous habit.

This was unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome. He never really factored in a scenario where Eyebrows made the first move. In all honesty, it was probably better this way. This meant Eyebrows wanted to talk to him; that he caught the Brit's interest and that the other was here willingly, by his own choice and not because Alfred intruded on him; which ultimately meant that he was more than likely not going to be shunned or rejected for stepping into the Englishman's habitat unwelcomed. Alfred had the upper-hand in this one. He could call the shots, after all, the Brit was imposing on him, not the other way around. This was better than he could have asked for!

"Yes, well, I... It seems that I am rather stuck on some concepts in my chemistry class-"

Ah. Eyebrows just needed a tutor. Not exactly the ideal point of conversation—a confession or at least some sort of advance would have been ideal— but it could have been worse. Good 'ol Eyebrows could have came over here to yell at him for staring at him or to tell of his love for Alfred's brother, or even asked for help with getting a girl. The possibilities were endless! He was lucky with this.

"— gone over notes, rewritten them several times, read the book to the best of my ability and I've even went to seek help from my Professor—"

_'What a long winded speech. It's okay Eyebrows! Anyone could have picked up that you need my awesome heroics to save your grade from dropping so low that they'll ship you back off to Britlandia. It's cool. Despite popular belief, one can have the full package of brains and good looks... He probably knows that though... Really! Have you ever seen a mirror?' _

"Well... To put it simply. She said that she didn't have time for me—which is understandable, she is a busy woman I would assume—"

_'Ah... That accent. Mmm... Actually, now that I'm looking, he has okay teeth for a Brit. I mean aren't they all supposed have like crazy bad teeth? They're pretty much straight. Probably has a nice smile too... Considering how neat he is, he probably brushes periodically so he's probably minty... Yeah, definitely not a bubblegum kind of guy. I hope it won't taste wonky when we makeout, because I am a bubblegum kind of guy... Then again that sort of problem would only appear in mornings or at night. But we can throw out night because you don't brush your teeth before passionate love-making and then afterward you kinda just fall asleep cuddling, no time there. And it'll be at least a while before both of our tooth-pastes will be present in the morning... Unless he's the kind of guy that carries it with him and we end up at my apartment...' _

"—and recommended I see you. Apparently you were rather brilliant with organic chemistry. And that was all after I had to deal with that horrid student receptionist. But she did say that you are usually free to tutor. And I figured that since we're in some of the same classes that it would be best to ask you— save myself the awkwardness of asking someone who I'm not even acquaintances with... So what do you say?"

_'I suppose if it really persists, I can always switch tooth-pastes. I mean, he's definitely worth the absence of bubblegum flavoring and sparkles in my life. I could stick with plain boring stuff, if it came down to it... It wouldn't come down to the age-old 'it's-me-or-the-tooth-paste' type of deal, would it! ' _

"Hullo?... Alfred?... Have you even been listening to a word I've said?" The Englishman raised an unamused eyebrow at the other boy. Really, if he was putting himself out like this, the other could at least hear him through!

A panicked expression crossed our hero's features before he quickly blurted out, "You wouldn't make me choose between you and my tooth paste right! That would be like a total dick move, okay. You can't expect me to change every little aspect about myself just because you prefer mint! Give bubblegum a chance!"

"What?..."

"Huh..?"

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch...er... Something regarding toothpaste?"

"Er... Heh... Caught up in my own thoughts. Sorry about that... uhhh... You need me to tutor you in chem?"

"I would greatly appreciate it... If you have time that is." The Brit still gave him a bit of a perturbed, weary glance..

"Nah, I don't mind helpin' ya out at all. It's the least a hero such as myself can do to help! When'dya wanna start?"

Eyebrows quirked an eye brow at the statement but shook it off. "Yes, well... I have classes at twelve, but I'm free after that." He took a piece of scrap paper and scribbled on it for no more than a few seconds and handed to Alfred. "That's my mobile's number. If you're free anytime later this afternoon or this evening just call... You're sure you're not too busy?"

"No problemo. I'm pretty free this semester, actually. So anytime is fine with me. Only core classes; I've had hardly any assignments. So whenever I'm not in class, I can be at your services."

"Ahh, that makes sense."

"Huh?"

"Well, simply considering the amount of time you spend here in the library, reading books upside-down and staring off into thin air when most would be spending time on more productive things or perhaps actually talking to others whom they seem to be staring at; I would hope that your schedule wasn't too full... but to each his own I suppose." He sighed briefly and looked at his wristwatch. "I'll see you? My classes should be done in two hours or so. You can call me then if you please."

And with that he turned on his heel and left for class. Alfred just sat there stunned and enjoying the view of the other's retreating form.

Unexpected. Eyebrows was just chalk full of surprises... They'd be the most awesome couple _ever_.

But the only thing he hoped for was that the Brit was better at chemistry than he was at first-time introductions or else Alfred would have his work cut out for him.

Really, weren't you supposed to supply the other person with your own name too? Alfred had been waiting week for this big reveal and the other boy didn't even care to write it down on his phone number. A little more effort would have been appreciated Eyebrows! He took the easy way out! The whole _'I need a tutor'_ introduction is horribly over used and cliche! That's why Alfred didn't even consider it an option... But he'd let it slide; this was Eyebrows after all.

An introduction was an introduction.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This is my first fanfic ever, so I hope it's semi-decent, makes sense, doesn't seem too awkward and was enjoyable to read! Hopeful you liked it.

This will hopefully be one of 100 little oneshots because I figured that if I did a 100 theme challenge I wouldn't run out of ideas. Some of the prompts seem more difficult than others, so perhaps I substitute my own. They'll all probably be circled around this pairing in one shape or form.

I appreciate any comments or criticisms. Don't be too harsh though, haha.


	2. Love

_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing! ... And just in case you did not catch it in my note in the last chapter, this is a completely different AU from the last one. Okay, that's all._

2. Love

**April 30, 2011 **_-_** 6:23:07 AM EST**

_It's only until he reaches the large ravine that Alfred realizes that the Atomic Death Ray(tm) had taken away his ability to fly. 'Damn-it!' our Hero thinks. What's a clever, cunning, awesomely smart and hot man of his caliber supposed to do now! Katy Perry and Abe Lincoln were on that train headed towards their doom! Sure Alfred had his super strength but that would do him no good when he was left ON THE OTHER SIDE. Was this the end? _

_Knock! Knock knock knock!_

_Would all be lost? Would the orphans go hungry and Dr. Nefarious go on being evil and stealing candy from children and kicking small puppies? And would Katy Perry forgive him for not saving her? Sure they had that secret spy duo relationship on the side but doesn't that only last until you screw up? _

_Knock! Bam! Knock knock knock!_

_But in a sudden fit of brilliance, Alfred saw that, indeed, he still had his Rocket Powered Jesus Shoes on and that all wasn't quite lost! With a running start Alfred heroically bounded off the ledge, sending himself flying on a crash collision with the 5,872 car train! He would make it! He would save the day and end up-_

_Slam! Bam! Pound! Knock knock! KNOCK!_

Alfred bolted upright from his rather heroic and daring slumber with a loud groan that would probably match the one his apartment door would make; if it had actual feelings and could talk, that is. His sheets were tangled all around his body and it looked as though he had thrown one of his pillows and broken that picture of him and Mattie skiing in Vancouver... again. From the looks of things it had been another eventful night of battling artificial evil in his dreams. Damn, he needed to stop watching so many spy movies and playing too many video games...

Or better yet, he needed to get laid... but that was neither here nor there.

_KNOCK KNOCK! KICK!_

_... _Or maybe it was and opportunity was literally a-knocking. Haha, see what he did there... No? Ugh. It was way too early for this. He needed to remind himself to ignore opportunities this early on a Saturday.

Alfred shuffled out of bed and onto warm, heated hardwoods floors- something he had insisted upon having because, let's face it, nobody wants to wake up and step on ice. That's like torture. Who would want cold hardwood? You wake up feeling all toasty and then _BAM!_ you're freezing and you feel worse for wear than anything. It just did make any sense... Perhaps he should have insisted upon getting a maid as well. Alfred glanced around and numerous piles of clothes laid out. It took a few moments to actually find a pair of boxers and sweat pants that weren't completely wrinkled or stained.

Alfred made it a habit to put on clothes when he woke up because the last time he answered the door naked it was some poor twelve-year-old girl scout. The worst part wasn't the fact that her mom threatened to call the police and the whole building thought him some sort of pervert for a month before he could clear his good name. No, the worst part was that the lady wouldn't accept his damned cookie order! What the hell? Where was he supposed to get his thin-mints now?

_KNOCK! Knock knock knock knock knock!_

_Oh... The door._ Alfred needed to stay focused. This was obviously a life or death matter. This was such an important face to face conversation that this person needed him up and out of bed before eleven. So it was crucial that he'd reach the door in a timely manner and-... How in the Hell did his glasses end up on the ceiling fan?

Alfred stopped and just admired the pair of spectacles, with a sort of curiosity you'd expect from a kindergartener, for a few moments before he reached up and grabbed them. Alfred tried not to question these things. If his brain got to it, he'd only end up freaking himself out. Why would there be ghosts in a fairly new apartment complex and-

_Slam! Kick kick kick! Bang!_

The knocking got louder as Alfred had exited his bedroom and made his way down the hall. In a quick decision that was made out of his own selfish desires, Alfred decided that whoever it was needed him so badly that they waited this long for him to get to the door and that they could wait an extra five minutes for him to put on a fresh pot of coffee, because, really, it was sooooo early. They deserved to wait. No good ever came from waking up early. Early bird gets the worm? Pshhhhhhh. Sure, that may be true, but he's probably dying half-way through the day for a nap and will eventually have a heart-attack from all the caffeine he ingests to keep himself awake.

Wow, that's a _little morbid _for the morning. But all thoughts and any regrets that Alfred had about getting out of bed this early instantly vanished as he opened up the door.

Strong, well-sculpted, long legs, barely covered by anything except a pair pair of black, scrawny (probably silk by the looks of 'em) boxers, stood there attached to probably the finest ass in the building (Alfred knew, he scoped these sorts of things out... Come on, he was a guy in his twenties. Give him a break). Just the right amount curve to his hips protruding from a small waist-line that lead up a taut torso that Alfred found disappointedly covered by an almost-too-large olive green shirt.

If God were to take human form, it would certainly be the British beauty of a next-door-neighbor that Alfred oogled any chance he could get; Arthur Kirkland. Okay, so he may have been a little over-exaggerating some things. That man wasn't perfect (look at his eyebrows and that silly haircut) but damn, did he make it look something close to it.

Before Alfred had a chance to admire his neighbor any longer, something large, warm and fuzzy was thrusted into his arms. Upon further inspection Alfred would have realized it was a cat. His cat, to be more specific. Huh.

"Do you know how utterly ridiculous it is, having to wake up this early to take care of a creature that imposes on my own home and doesn't even belong to me? Do you have any idea?"

Angry, annoyed English accents are still sexy. Alfred didn't care if that frustration was totally linked to him, it was still a great, smooth sounding tone that Alfred wished would instead whisper dirty things into his ears... or read him a bed-time story; either one was really appealing.

"This has really got to stop. I can't believe you've actually let that... that thing out again."

Alfred yawned in an over dramatic fashion and blinked blurredly. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. Rawr, rawr, rawr, nag, nag, nag. That's all the sunny blond was able to hear and translate this early and this suddenly. The other blond really needed to slow down.

"Whaugh?"

"I've always wondered if you were literate." Arthur folded his arms across his chest defensively and rolled his eyes.

"I...no coffee..." Alfred yawned once more. He really couldn't function without that stuff, especially this early, but that was already said on numerous occasions. And just because the Brit was hot didn't mean Alfred wasn't going to play this up and not be a complete ass. Besides, Arthur was often one first so, really it would equal out in the end. "So... Whauughhhh... Ugh. Wow. Hello there random yawn... and morning breath. Ew... So, uh, what were you saying about how unbelievable Burgers is?"

Alfred hadn't really noted it before,possible because the expression was more than likely permanent one, but the scowl that Arthur wore, if possible, deepened. "You've let that animal out again." he sniffed.

"Considering I've a cat door and leave the windows open so he can use the fire-escape for that sole purpose... Good observation!" Alfred grinned and scratched the mainly white ball of fuzz that was situated in his arms, all incoherency being willed away quickly. "Burgers loves to explore and he's pretty much an outdoor cat anyways. Our landlord said that as long as he doesn't get fleas, we're in the clear... That and if Burgers gets hit by a car for laying in the middle of the street, he's not liable, but that has really nothing to do with anything... So...?"

"So? You know very well that that mangy creature loves nothing more than to break into my apartment and... and harass Crumpets!"

"He's just visiting. He visits all the kitties around the complex. He's a social butterfly and Crumpets is all cooped up and alone; Burgers probably just wants to make sure the poor thing doesn't go stir-crazy or something."

"At six in the morning? You think it's acceptable for him to 'visit' at this hour?"

"Well, you're visiting me right now."

"I'm returning that _monster_!"

"He's just a big kitten, really. He means no harm and most of it is fluff anyway. Really, he's not that big. And I don't really see how it's an issue since you already have a cat. It's not like you're allergic or something. I feed him lots, so he shouldn't be stealing all of that pricey, gourmet, canned, junk that you feed Crumpets. Besides, I mostly feed him table scraps and he likes them better than most things. Unless he's tearing up your carpets or quilts or drapes or doilies or whatever old lady things you have- which he's not (he has a more than a few scratch posts)- I just don't see how it's a problem."

Arthur was quiet for the next few moments and did one of those crazy 'I'm speechless, yet I have so much to yell at you' sort of mouth open and closed gestures. You know, the kind where you bring your hand up to your face and put it over your mouth, but don't leave it there for very long and you sorta touch your face all over, all the while opening and closing your mouth and mumbling incoherent little words and grunts before you start getting red in the face and end up really frustrated. He did one of those deals.

"I have a problem with _Burgers_ sneaking into _my apartment_ because whilst he is there, all he really does is take it upon himself to _defile_ my precious _Crumpets!_"

Alfred almost laughed. Almost. He stopped himself half-way and it turned into something that sound like a coughed mixed with a choking sound and a snort. It probably wasn't the most attractive thing in the world but really, it was hard to keep a straight face among the current subject matter... Not to mention that both felines had names of foods and Alfred had all sorts of silly mental images with that.

"Uhm... Okay. Hmmm. Well how do I explain this to someone like you..." Alfred received a look that may or may not have taken a few years off of his life. "Okay. So when a mommy... or should I says mummy? Would that be more appropriate? So when a mummy and a daddy cat love each other very much, certain hormones kick in and say 'Hey, I want kittens.' and so forth. Then nature pretty much takes over and voila! And Crumpets and Burgers are in love, so..." Alfred supplied the last bit as if it were common knowledge that even the common passer-by in Manhattan would be able to give a short rant on how tragically, hopelessly, and beautifully in love the two cats were.

Again with that silly face-hand gesture. Seriously, Arthur needs a better way to channel his thoughts into words.

"Okay, no. No, that is not what is going on. Do you know why, Jones? Because Crumpets happens to be a boy. As in he is not female. As in he cannot produce. As in the only rationality of such a situation is that Burgers is assaulting him in some bizarre and unneeded claim of dominance and ownership over my apartment and-"

"Or Burgers just likes him. It's all in genetics and whatnot, anyway. I doubt he wants to extend his territory over to where you live. It's probably no fun at all, and all boring and filled with old man things and whatever. He likes my apartment just fine. He just needs your apartment because it has Crumpets and you're a meany and don't ever let him out. So he sneaks into your apartment out of love-"

"They are not in love!"

"Dude, don't be hatin'. Love is love."

"Crumpets does not love that thing you call a cat!"

"...Then you're saying that Crumpets is a floozy who lets random cats into his territory to mate with him?... Geez, I really hope he's not learning by example here. Simply for the fact that the walls can be very thin at times."

"I-I... what! No! That's... We're chatting about our cats and you're being rather crude, highly inappropriate and completely out of line! I assure you that Crumpets is no such thing. And neither am I for such a matter. I have not a single idea as to why Crumpets allows himself to be bullied into... letting himself be defiled by your cat, but I assure you he is nothing but the upmost and proper of felines. We're both gentlemen."

"He's not being bullied. Like I said, they probably want kittens. And well, I'll say it. Burgers is not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you buddy?" Alfred scratched at the ring of dark chocolate colored fur around his cat's neck affectionately. "I mean I found him left for dead in an alley when he was a kitten. So he probably didn't get enough milk when he was still developing and by the time I reached him, the damaged was done. So he's not quite... smart. He probably thinks Crumpets can have kittens. And Crumpets is a smart kitty, being a pure breed Scottish Fold and all. So he probably knows that Burgers need not mate with him, but hey, he probably likes all the attention and not being quite so proper all the time. _You _know?" Alfred winked.

" I-! You are-! You're despicable!... I-you- Keep your cat out of my apartment! I swear, if I find him there one more time I'm taking him straight to the shelter! You! Urgh!" Red face flushing, Arthur turned around and stopped down the hall and slammed his door.

Alfred sighed and shook his head while chuckling a bit. "He needs to relax more."

"Mrrrraaaooow."

Alfred looked down at Burgers and smiled. "You gotta lay off of Crumpets for a bit, kay? I know you like him lots but, Artie's getting pissy and all... Though great job on getting him down here before he even realized he was still in his night clothes. I think this calls for celebratory bacon for breakfast! You in?"

With another loud meow and what sounded like an engine revving, Burgers's ears perked up and he jumped from Alfred's arms in a flash and scurried back into the apartment.

Burgers may have loved Crumpets, but there was always a special place in his heart for bacon.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_I do believe all of the endings of these things are going to be a cheesy statement that somehow regards the theme... or something like that._

_In other news, I write all of my fics on my ipod touch because, sadly, I don't own a computer/laptop. So updates will take a bit of time, but it's okay, I'll be getting one eventually for college later this year._

_I hope this one wasn't too crack-ish. Ehhhh. I really want to continue this AU as well because I have plenty of ideas... but I dunno. Burgers and Crumpets were named after a pick I saw on Tumblr. I thought they were adorable names for them. I also love Hero and Iggy for them as well. _

_I promise I can write a serious-esque fic. Honest. I'll write one eventually. _

_Oh! By the way, if you want a certain AU or situation to happen, just shout it out because, really, these themes are harder to write for than they seem. So perhaps I'll simply just do requests and themes... shhhhh. No one will know the difference. I'll pick whatever gives me inspiration, which is what I need now._

_Sorry for the long Author's note. Siiiigh. Remember than comments and criticisms are always welcomed! So review! ... But it should be noted that I've no beta so I don't always catch errors. _


End file.
